How To Be An Assh*le On The First Date — 14 Dating Hacks For Men

Whether they met online or in aisle #3 at the grocery store, success on a first date is all about what to do and when to do it. The pressure for men to put their best foot forward on Date #1 is huge, so he needs to get things right.

Here’s a step-by-step guide for men to show her his strength, confidence, and Alpha status right from the start.

1. Use a profile picture from college. You looked your best then, right? And, even though you graduated over 10 years ago, you looked great. Don't worry... everyone does it. As Neil Strauss said in his bestseller The Game: “It’s not lying; it’s flirting.” So flirt! And besides, you're competing for her attention; you need every advantage.

2. Be late. Being on time is for pussies. Be a man. You decide when the date starts. You get there when you are damned well good-and-ready. She needs to know who the boss is right from the start.

3. Don't go up to the door to pick her up. Come on... there's technology for all this. Show her you're able to use your phone for something other than porn. Text her from the car and let her walk out to meet you. There's no sense in walking up and then both of you walking back to the car. Besides, her calves will look great after she walks solo to your ride.

4. Pick her up right after your workout. Women love when a man sweats, and that scent of musty man funk is just what the doctor ordered. Be sure to adjust your junk as she opens the door—you know… let the boys breathe a bit. Then, clear out your sinuses and hock that post-workout phlegm out your car window. No sense in keeping the mystery… especially since your plan includes bypassing the Good Night Kiss and leaping straight for the Good Night Blowjob.

5. Forget having a plan. Women are difficult. Let her pick everything... you know, so she doesn't bitch about what she hates to do/eat. When she says, "Where are we going?" the best answer is, "I dunno. Where do you want to go?" She'll love that, and she’ll appreciate being completely in-charge of everything. (Bonus: Remind her that it’s not passive-aggressive by sighing loudly when she gets frustrated with you. It shows you’re listening.)

6. Talk a lot about yourself. She wants to know you, right? So tell her! Tell her about how much money you make, how your "other car" is in the shop, and about the awesome house you live in. And, give her a taste of your vocabulary! A couple of "Fuck that!" or "Shit, yeah!" will let her see how passionate you are. (Pro Tip: Reinforce the fact that you almost swiped left when you saw her pic on Tinder… that should knock her attitude down to where it needs to be.)

7. Talk about your ex. Make sure she knows that your ex was a bitch, and that you won't stand for any of that from here out. It's important she know your limits and her place right out of the gate.



8. Be unattainable. Show her pictures of other women you’ve dated since then and show her your type. She needs to know you’re a hot commodity. (Bonus: Show her pictures of you receiving oral sex to show Social Proof. That way she knows the ecstasy she’s in for when you have sex later that night… because that’s your plan, right!? Why else would you bother to take her out?)

9. Take calls and answer texts at the table. You're an important guy, and many people are trying to reach you... so answer! She needs to see that you're in high-demand. Let her experience how many other women want you. It will make her competitive and vie for your affections. (Handy Tip: Have your friends call and text you, also. You can make plans with them while on the date. She needs to get used to your Boys' Nights Out anyway.)

10. Be firm with the wait staff. If you take her to dinner, make sure and show her that you're in-charge. The wait staff is there to serve you, so MAKE THEM SERVE! If anything is messed up on your order, be sure to scowl, the scold the waiter/waitress in a loud tone so they know you run things. Then, tip 2%... or better yet, stiff them. (Extra points if you drink a lot and then drive. Women love a man who can hold his liquor and multi-task.)

11. Don't pay 100% of the bill. No need for all that courtship and chivalry crap. Show her you value gender equality by letting her pay for dinner. And order the steak and a $150 bottle of wine to relate your confidence in your decision.

12. Be sure to walk her up to her door. It's the only way you'll get a kiss so tough it out, Champ. A kiss on Date #1 leads to a blowjob on Date #2, so play this right.

13. Kiss her hard. Let her know you're there. Lean in aggressively and plant a wet one right on her. Make sure you use lots of tongue (so you can show her a preview of your cunnilingus skills reserved for Date #3 ), and let your hands wander where you please. She won't mind.

14. Don't call for a while. She needs to chase you. You gave her the privilege of your company. She needs to get with the program and make the next move.

If you're unclear what to do at any point, just hang tight until you're introduced to her best friend (usually around Date #4). You can test what you're thinking of on her best friend—even sex. After all, no one knows your new girlfriend better than her friends. Above all: Be strong and be mysterious. She needs to recognize greatness… and you are obviously it. And if you set the bar low enough, the only way to go is up!