Ask Charles: "My ex keeps texting me, and HE left ME!

Dear Charles:


I've recently broken up with my ex, and have been single for three months. And it's been a hard three months while he rejoices in his new relationship (which he started only one week after we broke up). I just can't seem to find closure to let him go.  We have a child together, which only makes my feelings 100% stronger for him. And tonight, I get this text message.

What's the deal? He wanted the break-up, and now he's f*cking with me! I'm just trying to cope and get though things. Why won't he leave me alone?



Dear S: 

I'm really sorry for what you're going through. Break-ups are challenging — and with kids involved, it only makes things even more difficult. My gut reaction is that if he's already in another relationship — after a child and time with you — I would bet that relationship started before he left. (Whether he cheated or not is almost immaterial... it's that he was already emotionally invested.)

Bottom line: It's not your fault. Let me say that again: It's. Not. Your. Fault. People make choices... and you can't control them. All you can control is YOU and YOUR choices.

He sounds like he's in a place of missing what was—kinda running hot and cold—and that's not your responsibility. He could have talked to you before  starting a new relationship and tried to work things through. Instead, he left... leaving you behind. No law against starting a new relationship, but it sounds like he's trying to keep one foot in the past relationship with you (I wonder if his new girlfriend knows.)

My advice: Get into YOU and your child. You can't change where he's at now... and if he ever came back... you shouldn't want him, as anyone who can trade you in so easily doesn't deserve your time. If he respected you, he would have ended things right before starting up with someone else. Change your atmosphere... take a class... hike... read... do what makes YOU feel good — as a WOMAN... not as a mom/girlfriend/wife... just as a feminine soul.  

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