The BIGGEST killers of great sex are the things you won’t or don’t talk about. Here's how you can get the connection back and have longer-lasting sex!
At the beginning of a relationship, everything is fantastic. The connection is electric. Conversation is unforced and relaxed. You can’t wait to see each other. You agree on everything, and have so much in common—weekend activities, food likes and dislikes, activities on the weekends—and the passion and sex is hot and amazing (hopefully!). It’s the Honeymoon Phase, and everything is shiny, new, exciting, and perfect.
But the honeymoon phase of a relationship inevitably ends. Life dishes out a combination of internal and external changes, some great and some not-so-great—childbirth and childrearing, expectations from extended family or each other, commutes, finances, housework… not to mention endless pressure provided by social networks and the media. These normal life issues often manifest themselves in a combination of stresses. And unless a couple communicates about these issues openly and honestly, these “normal” stresses can build and create disconnection and long-term unhappiness.
And nowhere does disconnection show more than in the bedroom.
It’s estimated that there are as many as 20M sexless marriages in the U.S. today. That represents about 13% of the total U.S. population, or one in eight married adults, with half of all married couples report having sex fewer than 10 times per year.
For some, a successful marriage might mean abstinence or the elimination of sex. And if it’s agreed upon, that works. But for most happy, connected couples, a satisfying and sex life is not only wanted… it’s needed, for and number of well-documented emotional, physiological and psychological reasons.
If you are stuck in that no-sex rut and want to change things, you have to get real about what’s happening. It’s the only way you can correct it.
Get Back to Basics
Passion and desire are usually based on a single thing: effort. When you are with someone who is genuinely into you, you know it… you feel it. When they don’t put in, it doesn’t feel good. It feels wrong, disconnected, and empty.
Both people have to get back to the place that counts: dating. When you’re dating, you make effort to put yourself out there the best you can. You make sure they see you at your best. There’s nothing wrong with comfort and familiarity in life and love. But when “familiar” translates as “complacent” or “lazy,” you’re on the road to killing off passion and connection.
If you want to build and maintain a solid connection in the bedroom, you have to put in effort. Not just right before you want to have sex. Conversations need to cover things that aren’t about kids or finances or commutes or bad situations at work. Connection and foreplay start outside the bedroom… long before the act of sex is in anyone’s mind. Maybe you start with a text at lunchtime. Maybe it’s a note slipped into their coat pocket before they leave for the day. Whatever the case, effort is a requirement.
And don’t make the mistake of thinking family time is the same as couple time. When time only goes to “the family” and none to the couple… when great sex is traded in for sleep because stress reigns supreme… when passionate kisses are only offered as a fast substitute for real connection and foreplay, passion slips.
Eliminate distractions and replacements
There are too many things with which we replace a real connection. Phones and TVs top the list, but you can also include porn, endless outside activities and projects. There’s nothing wrong with these activities in moderation. But if you have time for these other undertakings and your effort and availability for your partner has dropped off to nothingness, you are on the wrong path.
- Lots of projects: We all have outside hobbies and interests. Just make sure you aren’t escaping from your partner by immersing yourself in these things. You have to make room for you… but also them.
- Phones and TVs: Remove these items from your bedroom or, at the very least, assign days and times that are “no-tech” times.
- Other “innocent” relationships: If things have deteriorated, you might have a “friend” or two that you met online. A word of warning: If your needs aren’t being met by your partner, other relationships will look VERY tempting. Get real and honest with yourself… and your partner.
- Porn: Nothing wrong with porn, if that’s what floats your boat. But if you are only watching porn and not wanting to initiate with your partner, that usually means you either have an addition, or you aren’t wanting to put yourself out in an intimate, trusting, vulnerable way.
Get honest about things
Many people are afraid of telling their partner what they want, what they wish they would do, or what isn’t working in bed. It can show itself in many ways:
- Emotional vacancy: When they won’t sleep with you, but you know/catch them masturbating excessively.
- Disconnection: Not being “present” during sex; their body is there, but their mind is elsewhere.
- Dishonesty: Everything from not saying what you want to faking orgasms
One of the main issues couples won’t/don’t talk about: A short amount of time for actual intercourse — meaning he’s not lasting long enough/doesn’t maintain an erection long enough for her to climax. This is by far one of the most common things that couples don’t discuss. She doesn’t want to tell him because it will hurt his feelings. And he doesn’t want to even thing about it, as he thinks it’s a failure on his part and/or a threat to his masculinity. The result: No one says anything. They don’t get honest with each other, and no one gets their needs met.
If this is you (or your partner), it’s time to make a change. It’s time to get honest with you and with them about what’s working and what’s not. Sure, there are exercises, techniques, and pills that can help a guy who has a sensitivity problem. But these aren’t easy to do, and pills are… well… pills. There IS an easier way, and after connecting with thousands of women, here’s how you can get past this issue without killing a man’s sense of masculinity.
- Get real with each other. If things aren’t lasting long enough in the bedroom, it’s time to discuss it. It’s about happiness and satisfaction, not failure and inability. If you love each other, you can face difficult discussions together… and create a trusting, intimate bond. After all, that’s what a successful relationship requires.
- Get specific. What’s not working? What do you want more of? Less of?