Why the hell is it so hard to make love work?
(Remember this question. We're going to return to it later.)
But the question is real:
How is it possible to have so many good things happening for you, but finding someone who loves and values you seems so impossible?
It has you asking yourself the same questions over and over again.
- Why do they lie to me?
- Why did they cheat on me?
- Why won't they commit?
- Why don't they care enough to really connect with me?
- Why do I always find the ones who won't be serious?
- Am I just not worth it?
These are damaging questions that crush your self-esteem.
They make you think you are unworthy of love.
After all, what you want is so simple:
You want them to love you. You want to love them. And you want to be happy.
Is that so much to ask?
Is too much to ask for them to just be honest with you? To be loyal? To say what they truly feel? To treat you with value? To invest in a life with you? TO CALL WHEN THEY SAY THEY WILL, DAMN IT!
You wouldn't think it's so much.
But then it hits you. You've already tried to do so much already.
You've tried discussing things.
Your friends have given you advice.
You've backed off and let them think.
You've begged them to change.
You've put your heart and soul in.
You've bought books.
Nothing has worked.
And here you are: Same situation; no solutions.
And now you're biggest fear feels like it's going to become a reality: You're going have to end things... again. You're going to be 60 & single, in a relationship with your cat!
You love cats, and begin convincing yourself that it might not be so bad.
So you start making peace with your fate.
You decide that love doesn't work for people like you.
You convince yourself that being alone is great.
You remember how your last relationship started so great, and then became this disconnected... thing.
You remember the lies they've told.
You remember how you thought they were the one, but then... the sad truth came out:
They aren't for you. No one is for you.
And now you're convinced of one thing: All relationships are the same.
Most of all, you're burnt out.
YOU'RE SICK and TIRED of people who pretend.
YOU'RE TOTALLY F-ING OVER all the people who start strong, and then back off.
YOU'RE DONE with people who want to use you.
YOU'RE FINISHED with untrustworthy, dishonest assholes.
But mostly, you're pissed off, and can't get rid of the one thought that keeps plaguing you:
"Why is it so easy for other people to find great, lasting love and I can't?"
Do you really want to know?
Because there IS an answer, and solving it is within your control.
But first, let's get something clear: I totally understand where you are coming from.
Your feelings are real and validated. I've been working people just like you for over 15 years, and I can totally understand why you feel the way you feel.
- Men don't do what they used to in relationships.
- Women are afraid to afford men a place in the relationship.
- Courtship is different today.
- Technology might give us the feeling of being closer, but we are actually further apart then ever before.
- The media does create a sense of "you're never good enough" for women.
- Men do use online dating and social media to have sex quickly and then disappear.
- There is a hardcore hook-up culture.
- Marriage, commitment, and exclusivity are slowing disappearing.
And all this might cause you to think even more negative thoughts:
"It never works out for me."
"All men are liars."
"Marriage always ends in divorce."
"If you're over 35, there is no such thing as a good relationship."
"Relationships don't work for people who have been divorced."
"There are no good people left. All the good ones are taken."
"Being alone works for me. No hurt. No problems."
If you've ever thought these things, you are not alone.
And while there is some truth in these statements, they don't apply to everyone or every situation.
"All men are liars" actually translates to "SOME men are liars."
"Marriage always ends in divorce" should read as "SOME marriages end in divorce."
You know this in your head. But it doesn't feel that way, because you're feeling and not thinking.
And that's not a bad thing.
The way you feel is important.
Your feelings are probably something you've ignored up to this point.
Those things you should have said that have kept you distant and disconnected from your partner.
Those issues from your past that keep coming up and stopping you cold in your tracks.
Those nagging gut checks that probably would have keep you out of the wrong relationships.
Those red flags at the beginning that you pretended didn't exist.
But don't freak out. Emotions and emotional reactions are the things that make us human.
But without the guidance of logic and reason, emotions can create issues.
(Ever hooked up with an ex? Ever knowingly believed a lie? See... that's emotion overriding your logic.)
The reality: You need a balance of feeling and logic to make informed decisions about life and love.